Depression

I'm depressed. Have been for quite some time. And it's not just one trigger that did it. It's several. My job. My self-esteem. My deafness. My loneliness. My family. Practically... everything, it seems.

I feel this compulsion to run away. To just pack a bag and get in my car and drive, drive, drive. But I can't. I have two young kids & a husband who needs me. It's always something that holds me back from running away. Which then adds to the frustration that I have.

I don't know who I am. Sounds rather cliche but it's true. I was a shy girl in my highschool years. Then after that I "bloomed." I made lots of friends, had lots of parties and went to a lot of dances. But then when I'd go to dances... I didn't get to dance very much. That hurt my self-esteem, but with all the friends I had, it was... ok. Then I met my husband and we were married 7 months after our first date. It was fun being a newlywed but then, being Mormon, was expected to pop those babies out right away. For some reason or another, didn't happen and so I began to withdraw at church. And from my friends - who didn't really want to hang out with a married couple. Anyway, as the years went by, I just withdrew more and more to the point that it was so difficult for me to interact with people at church.

I'm more aware of my deafness again... meaning, the anxiety level has shot way up again. I HATE when I speak to people and they just give me this blank, confused stare when I tell them my name. Instead of repeating it back to me to see if they've heard correctly, they just say, "Oh." And then it immediately becomes awkward and they focus on somebody else. Not cool.

Okay - I need to stop for now. Baby's crying.