Boy, it's always darkest before dawn, right? That was, my darkest hour. You know, that I outlined in my last post. There was so much more I could have written but I chose not to. I was already on a slippery slope and if I wrote everything down? I would've just slid off the bottom and there's no telling if I would've been up for scratching and clawing my way back out of the seemingly bottomless pit. Don't let the flood-gates open otherwise... Okay. Enough of the stupid analogy. I didn't sleep well last night so my mind is even more scattered than usual.

I read a post a couple of days ago about how a mother realized she needed to stop praying for patience with her kids. How she needed to start praying for a change of heart towards her kids. That was a "let's stop and think about this, Sari." moment for me and I find myself revisiting that post over and over. Then yesterday I read about a woman not knowing where all the anger is coming from. How it's being projected on her kids, herself and how frustrating it all is. I too, have been revisiting that post too.

I do have a lot of anger. A lot of it explodes from me and it's as though I'm watching myself yelling at my kids. Being short with them. So quick to be irritated and annoyed. What is up with that? Then I got to thinking about it after I had read the 2nd post I mentioned above. That I believe I'm stuck in the grieving process. The anger bit. I'm angry that my husband works so much that he only gets to see the kids for 15 minutes a day during the week and that's while driving the morning carpool. I'm angry that I have to do all the child-rearing and disciplining. I'm angry that I haven't had a car to go run errands. I'm angry that we have zero dollars to just go get a stupid bottle of nail polish. I'm angry that I have to train a dog all by myself and my kids are sick and my oldest is into telling me that she has "free agency" and that because of that, she's no longer going to listen to me. (She DOES have her free agency but man o'man alive, she doesn't get a say in the consequences!) I'm angry that I'm so tired all the time. I'm angry that I'm lonely. I'm angry that I'm angry.

Stupid, innit?

I can't control things and I need to let that go. I HAVE to let it all go. For the sake of my sanity (what little I have) and for my kids and for my husband who is also going through a lot of what I'm going through. But zammit! It's hard! It's as though it's all I know now and don't we all find from time to time that we desperately hold onto things because it's all we know? I know, I don't get it either. I do know that I need to start chiseling out steps or hand-holds even on that slippery slope of crazy depression.

So. Anyone got a chisel I could borrow? On a permanent basis? Thanks so much.