This is going to be a two-part post. Simply because no matter how I self-edit, it still is long.

So, let's begin the first part.

My Bishop had me in for an interview. Specifically to renew my temple recommend. It had been 4+ years since I had attended the temple. He asked why it had been so long and with a crack in my voice, I told him in very brief terms that my faith had been shaken with the discovery of my husband's secret addictions. While my husband had a disciplinary council, went through the repentance process, had his priesthood blessings restored, it took me a long while before I was able to see straight again. I couldn't understand how somebody could live such a double-life. I couldn't understand why the doors of the temple didn't have red flashing lights when an unfaithful member crossed the doors. Not realistic I know but still!!! I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that people were able to participate in the sacred ordinances of the temple while their lives were in such turmoil. I didn't get it. To a degree, I still don't. I know that it's not my place to judge. I get that. It was just hard dealing with the knowledge that people I had looked up to were so... spiritually flawed. Heart-breaking. I'm not perfect. Not by a long shot. Please don't think that I'm placing myself above anyone.

I fought against the thought of, "if anybody can do that, what's the point?"

My Bishop cried. I cried. With some gentle encouragement from him, we talked about how the Atonement is a beautiful thing and I was able to share my testimony with how I finally learned that the Atonement also heals those that have been sinned against. (For having grown up in the church, I still don't know a lot about the gospel!)

I can't... well, I shouldn't think about the worthiness of others. I need to focus on my own worthiness to attend the temple. That and the focus of serving others. It really goes back to one of the basic tenets of the Gospel in that not only should I not judge others. But also, I can't make anybody shape up. You know what I mean? I can't force anybody nor can I place ultimatums on them getting their act together. For if I attempt to do that, guess what I'm doing? Taking away their free agency. Which makes me no better than the dude who wanted to dictate what people should do instead of our Elder Brother Jesus who wanted us to exercise free agency so we would learn. LEARN from our choices, our mistakes. Learn to have a gentle heart and to have compassion for others.

I renewed my temple recommend.

So glad I did.

Second post coming soon...