I did it. With my stomach hurting since I made the appointment, I walked into the clinic this morning and waited for my midwife to come in.
"So. Post partum."
"Yes......"
"Tell me about it. Do you have feelings of anxiety? Sadness?"
*whispers* "Yes..."
"Let me grab the kleenex... here we go, we're set. Are there specific things that make you sad or is it just all the time?"
"All the... time...."
"What else? Do you have scary thoughts?"
"I get anxious and sad... *tears well up* And no, I don't have scary thoughts like I want to hurt myself or my family. But... I do think about running away."
"Running away? Do you have plans as to how you'd do that?"
"Not really, but I think about just jumping in the car and driving forever."
"That's normal for somebody struggling with post-partum. I mean, peri-natal mood disorder. I'm supposed to start referring to post-partum as that but you know what? It's post-partum depression. Why dress it up? Now, we need to get you to a better place. Post-partum is a natural thing and about 20% of women experience it after giving birth. Talk to me."
And we talked. Or rather, I talked.
She has recommended me getting on some meds but she counseled that it's not a magic pill so just toss that thought away. I'm to use the meds in conjunction with meeting with a therapist. Talk with somebody who specializes in depression, post-partum in particular. She then opened up about how she dealt with depression with infertility (hey, me too!) and then post-partum (hey, me too!) and how talking with a therapist helped her figure things out and gave her tools to work through things.
This was an hour-long appointment. Towards the end she said, "You know, you're very brave in asking for help and you deserve a pat on the back. We need to get you better and we're just going to surround you in a blanket of love." Of course, I tear up again... (Btw, why can't we just get that solemn, majestic look with one tear streaming down. You know, old Hollywood style? Instead, my nose gets red & puffy, as do my eyes and my nose decides to turn itself into a faucet because heaven forbid the eyes should have all the fun?)
For the first time, I actually see a slight glimmer of hope that I can be whole again. The sariqd that I know is there and waiting for me to extend a hand and pull her out? I'm scared but oh! I'm coming!
8 comments:
sending Virtual hugs your way
Oh! I am so glad it went well! Huge hugs from Utah... And I totally agree about the old Hollywood tear thing. I look like a red and puffy glazed doughnut monster when I cry... so NOT attractive! Hope is a beautiful thing, isn't it?
BTW Did you know Rich Waters in HS? He and his wife are expecting their first right now. I now feel that I was crazy to rush into this parenthood thing so young. I wish I had waited until I was really a grown up like you guys did!
Julie - Thanks so much! (((hugs)))
Kate - I laughed at your description of when you cry. I think I may just have to borrow that! And that's exciting for Rich! But waiting until we were grown-up? Let me tell you, I wish I had been younger! And btw? I still don't feel like a grown-up. ;)
I'm so glad you see a light at the end of the tunnel! Yay for you for being so brave!!
You are an amazingly brave woman! Meds and seeing a therapist will rock your world, in a good way. ;)
Meds really aren't a "fix-all" as I for one wish they were, but they help stabilize things so that working with a therapist can actually have a chance to work!
It sounds like you have a wonderful Midwife and that you are in loving hands. I'm so happy for you and that you are receiving the love and support you need, you are a very special person and so you should be treated.
Love and hugs and kisses! :0)
:) Yay! That is wonderful!
Smiling and tearing up (luckily not to the point of the runny faucet nose).
Love you!!!!!
I agree you're brave in taking this big step. And hey, let's compare notes about crying k? lol! I'm not a pretty crier either. Oh well. Hope all goes well on your journey to wellness!
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