During Sacrament meeting a few days ago, we sang the hymn, "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" and it got me choked up a little. I so desperately want the peace in my heart...
Where Can I Turn for Peace?
Where can I turn for Peace? Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart, Searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He, only One.
He answers privately, Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constand he is and kind, Love without end.
The other morning, I had a conversation with the Man Upstairs. I don't know what prompted it but there you go - I was in the shower and my thoughts were just meandering all over the place and I decided to pray to Him. I started out with the usual salutations and then started listening to myself and thinking that I sounded like a dork just asking for everything I thought I need. But I pushed through it and instead of just immediately asking Him for help, I walked myself through what I would do to get through this. Does that make sense? I told him that I was going to fast from TV, get down with my 4yo and play with him, start reading my scriptures, get working on projects, etc. I told Him that I was going to do these things and dedicate my day to Him. When I was done with the prayer, I didn't feel any differently... in fact, I still felt spiritually numb as I have for months. But, I did most of the things I talked about. While it wasn't a spiritually uplifting day, I did feel... not so frazzled.
I told my husband just a little bit about the conversation I had and he told me that I had been prompted by the Spirit, that I was feeling it. And I disagreed. I still disagree. Maybe I'm being a little unrealistic (or stubborn!) It's frustrating. REALLY frustrating when I see my Hero getting all verklempt (and I say that with love) over somebody's testimony or something he's studied in the scriptures. So what do I do? I get mad at him. Yes, I do! I'm all kinds of jealous that he's able to feel the Spirit. Is that crazy or what?
Sigh.
That's it for this morning - it's about 1:30am and I know my wee babe is going to need to nurse soon.
...... I really need to put something happy & perky on this ol' blog of mine.
6 comments:
I have conversations with the man upstairs like that too. So you aren't alone in feeling like this and totally agree with church songs and crying lately. Hugs
That's one of my all time favorite hymns. And wouldn't you know, it was one of my dad's favorites, too, but I didn't know that until he picked it to be sung at his funeral.
I especially like the part "Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?" Mostly because I still try to turn to other sources and I'm still learning that Heavenly Father is THE source of comfort.
So, it sounds like having conversations with him in the shower is another step in the right direction.
Love you.
It's funny, but it always seems like I'm never on my knees when I turn to HF. The car, the bath, washing the dishes, folding laundry...it seems those quiet moments alone is when I'm most guided to talk with him. So I'm happy to read that I'm not the only one who talks to the Big Man in unconventional places! ;)
Anyhoo, that has been one of my all time favorite hymns since my mission (Wait, has it been 18 years? Ugh!) It's a great reminder to me (as Lisa said) that HF is our ultimate comfort. Even if we aren't able to "feel" it, HF loves us. You know this.
Alex has been talking to me about prayer lately. He says that we need to be prepared to offer something to the Lord in our prayers because God won't do all the work. At first, I thought he was making deals, but on further discussion, he explained to me that no, he was just doing his part so that HF could take us the rest of the way. What a great lesson from my 11 y/o. I'm sure I knew this, but just haven't thought about it in forever. When you said your conversation resulted in making commitments to your day, it made me think of Alex and exactly what he said. You do your part and HF will do his. So, wtg Sari. You did your part. HF is there for you and when you are ready, he'll take you the rest of the way.
Love you!
Ack, Stacey's comment about Alex brought tears to my eyes! It's so simple you know. But boy do I hear ya. I, too, have conversations with HF wherever, doing whatever. I feel I can really connect with that way because I'm working thru whatever it is. What I like is that you did what you said you were going to do - so even though on hand you didn't feel uplifted it still got you through the day feeling a bit better. Baby steps I say. Hubby and I have had similar conversations about needing to do our part - I hope to make the same commitments as you have and follow through. If it helps Fluf, you're helping me right now. Thanks. I love you!
I am so glad you have a husband who is strong in the gospel, Sara. Just between you, me, and the lamp-post (and all the other people reading this comment), my husband has gone almost completely inactive. He just shows up to church with me every once in a while. Just enough to make it awkward when he's not there. I struggle every day with wishing he would step up to his priesthood responsibilities and lead the family in prayers, scriptures, FHE, and all other things spiritual.
He is a good man, but we sorely feel the lack of spirit in the home. Pray for us, please? I'll be praying for you!
Sorry, girl - Hero's right. You were prompted by the Spirit. You just haven't "felt" the Spirit in so long that you didn't recognize it as such. heavenly Father was desperate to talk to you so His Spirit prompted you to do it. I'm glad you listened.
I hope you feel better soon and I'm so glad that you carried through on your commitments that you told Him.
You're strong and tough - you just lose sight of that sometimes.
I love ya!!!
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