An update on my battle with depression... It's not going so well. Last night was a bit of a challenge but with my husband's help, was able to work through it for the most part. Then there's today - it wasn't a "bad" day. But I'm crying. I was up all night with a baby who didn't want to settle down after nursing. That was a little rough but I treasure the times I get to snuggle & hold him. Then my husband got up at 6:30 to take him downstairs so I could get some rest. He woke me up in time for me to get ready for my hair appointment & nurse the baby. So far, I was in a pretty good mood. I went to my appointment and was greeted by a new stylist (to me) and had such a nice time. He was personable, professional, genuine and truly earned my business. Part of it was he reminded me of my baby brother... so what's there not to like about him then? ;) I came home feeling like a hot mama and was greeted by Hero as such! *big smiles here!* And the rest of the day went by in a bit of a blur... nothing happened, it was just - nothing of substance. I started to feel a little down and I couldn't even tell you exactly when it started or when I noticed...
I waffled back & forth in going with the family to the grandparents to watch the football game tonight. I talked with Hero and told him that I was really struggling and he said maybe to work through it by making the decision to go with the family & going shopping (sorry peeps, I have zero tolerance for watching football.) I decided to go. But as I was putting the fussy baby into the carseat, something in me just... how do I describe it? Something just broke. I grabbed the baby and went back inside the house and told Hero I wasn't going.
I feel badly when I see my husband trying so hard to help me and there's nothing I can think of that he can do to help... The frustration that I see in his eyes and I know that this depression of mine pains him... and it makes me feel helpless. And I want to be able to spare him this.
I'm not quite sure what to do at this moment. How do I shake this off? All conventional means doesn't seem to be working. All spiritual means seem so out of reach. I want to just hide away...
9 comments:
I have no magic answers for you.
Just a bunch of love. And while I'm sure it's not the answer you wanted, I'm hoping that it helps at least a tiny little bit.
Call me if you want. It's the same cell number. :)
come to church! When my sister in law was battling a very bad case of depression she said going to church (even though it was often more then she could handle) made all of the difference in the world.
If you have a valid recommend, go to the temple. I found this in the scriptures and thought of you...
Mosiah 24:12-16
"And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their hearts to him; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts.And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage."
Trust in the Lord Sara. Challenge Him in his offerings to deliver you out of bondage. Take it on day at a time, one step at a time.
Remember also that Satan is doing everything in his power to discourage you right now. Ignore him! GO TO CHURCH! You have a ward family willing to do anything to ease your burdens.
I love you Sara and I hurt for your pain. Please remember..."this too shall pass!"
I can't say anything better than Rosanna said, except to say that your long lost childhood friend and 'sister' loves you!
When I moved away from WA, I cut ties with all my old school friends. I only reestablished ties with those who meant a lot to me. You are one of those people, Sara!
I usually don't comment on blogs, but after reading what Rosanna said, how could I not say something?! I am so proud of you for being at church today - I know how hard it was for you. Good for you for making the effort!! One little step at a time. I love you so much!!
I heart you so much Fluf! I wish I could make it all go away or tell you how to but I'm always here for you if you need a brief getaway or a listening ear or someone to bring you tissue. I'm thinking of you.
I don't have any magic answers for you either. I think you know pretty much everything I've tried (vitamin D supps, happy SAD light, meds, therapy) and while I've had some success with those, nothing has totally "fixed" me. I do want to say that while I agree with the other commenters that church is a good, healing place to go, I also understand how hard it can be to feel the spirit while depressed. Sometimes church would make me worse - I'd go and see everyone being so happy and righteous and fulfilled and whatever and just sink into this black hole because what I felt was so far from what I saw in them. I'd pray but the spirit seemed so far away - on the other side of the haze I could never break through. It doesn't mean that I stopped going to church or stopped trying to pray and read my scriptures. I'm just saying that sometimes I found more solace in a quiet talk with the bishop rather than relief society, or in a nap rather than enrichment. Take gentle care of yourself honey - this is so hard but you will get through this!
In addition to all the other lovely comments made, I'd like to point you to the parable of the cow.
remember that?
It goes for depression, too.
Love you SOOO much!
I love what Charlotte said. And, her advice to "take gentle care of yourself" was right on the money. Thank you Charlotte for giving my sister great advice and letting her know it's okay to just find what is right for her to overcome this challenge. HF loves you Sari. I love you. Your husband and children and all your extended family and friends love you. You can get through this. I know it. And, if you can't make yourself go watch football...well heck, I don't blame you one bit!!! ;)
I love Charlotte's post, I can totally relate. And I can soooo relate to you Sara.
It's a hard thing, this battle we call depression. It's a battle that affects everyone around us and sadly, often a battle fought in secret.
You are amazing and I truly commend you for being brave enough to share your journey with us.
I don't think "a" magical answer exists. However, something that will keep your head above the water is to just keep fighting and trying your best to find the things-people-medication-or even the places that help you to feel better and help you reconnect to your true self.
I think depression and its related afflictions are truly a test of faith and endurance from the Lord.
We have to endure the pain and turmoil that depression brings and then we need to choose to have faith that the Lord will grant us an end to the fight and heal us in such away the our tears are washed away and left behind the hazy fog of memories that once were.
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