I'm hard-of-hearing. Sure, most of you know that already but, it's a strange place to be in. I'm not completely deaf so I don't fit in with deaf people. Do you know that I've had deaf people be MAD at me because I could still hear and talk on the phone? Good grief, like it was a CHOICE that I made! I even had a fellow tell me that I was turning my back on the deaf culture. My heritage! Uh, no thanks! Then, by the same token, I was not completely hearing, so I wasn't really one of the "hearing folk." The hearing people, and please note that I'm generalizing here although it has been my repeated experience, aren't quite accepting of me with my accent, with my supposed "staring" in their faces (which is only to lipread, and believe me, I DO blink from time to time!) and my slowness to "get it" at times. They would OVER-enunciate for me, be condescending and patronizing... as though I was this little dim child who need her hand to be held. Oh, that's not to say that I haven't some friends... or actually, I'm friendly with most of them. Just not kindred spirits.
I miss having that chummy girlfriend. That friend who calls me up just to be goofy. The friend that can just look at me and know that all is NOT right with the world. That knows when to be quiet and just listen. None of that "Call me sometime." And not EVER call you.
I remember one time in Kindergarten... it was a sunny, blue day outside. I was standing there in the classroom and my teacher bent down to look at me and said in an irritated manner, "Don't you know how to tie your shoes?!" I didn't. With my big family, who had time to teach something like that? I remember feeling as though I was inconsequential and that I was a huge inconvenience to my teacher. I think I could say that from that one little experience, affected how I am around other people. I can't bear to ask for help. I can't bear to think that I might be inconveniencing anybody.
I had a friend whose family I had invited over to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. I introduced her to my sis-in-law, and she piped up that I was her best friend! It was the first time I heard her refer to me in that manner. I was honored! I was thrilled! But... then, no, I really wasn't. She's moved out of the state and has not contacted me in the manner I had thought she would. I mean, we shared some common experiences, we've cried & laughed together. We both love happy socks. Once in awhile, I think she looks at my family blog. But, that's it. Looking back, I don't know what her motive was in piping that up to my SIL. The taste left in my mouth from that whole deal is, "I'm sorry... you've outgrown your use."
When I was a girl, I had a "Best Friend" - but, imagine my broken heart when I learned that I wasn't really HER best friend. Another girl was that lived next door to her.
A member in my family, of the female sort, has told me recently that she doesn't need friends anymore. That she can do just fine with her family. That made me feel sad. Made me think, why do I have this incessant need to have friends? Why isn't my hubby enough? Why can't I do more than just survive and be HAPPY about it?
I've been in a best friends relationship before for several years and at the time, I needed someone to give to. She happened to be someone that needed. It worked out for us, but then as the years went by, I found myself becoming emptier. Not being able to give so much as I wasn't receiving anything. I'm not talking materialistically - just, emotionally. I tried to talk about it with her once, she just blew me off as she had things to do... I tried to die that night. I'm grateful to say, I didn't succeed.
I'm not going to apologize for dumping this out there. That is what my blog is for - putting my thoughts out there (besides, typing is much easier than writing!) If you think this is just too much or "whoa, SHE'S got problems! Needy, whiny girl!" That's fine. I don't care. Actually I do care but the nice thing about this whole blogosphere is... people can just drift away. There's no real emotional ties to keep them here.
I'm wondering if I just have too high of hopes to think that there isn't a kindred spirit out there...
Told you I'm having a bad day... I'll probably come back and erase this post and just keep on keeping on.
7 comments:
For a second there, I found myself in this eery place, wondering how you knew so much about my life, as if you WERE talking about MY life.
I don't really know what to say. Maybe it doesn't help just to know that someone has read what you wrote and witnessed your feelings, but I have. And if I could reach out and give you a hug, I would squeeze so tight.
If it's a bad day, I hope tomorrow is better. If it's a bad 'phase,' I hope you'll find peace.
I feel so stupid writing all this. You don't know me, for all you know, I couldn't care less.
So, for what it's worth... I do care. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I'm glad you can use your blog like this - that's the purpose I wanted my blog to fulfill. But sometimes it gets caught up in the 'social-ness' of the blog world.
I'm glad you 'put it out there.'
Best wishes.
-Ally
I should clarify - I'm not hard of hearing, it was the quandries or unpleasantries of friendships with which I identify.
I don't presume to know how difficult it is to interact with people being someone who is hard of hearing. I admire you for dealing with that challenge. And I assume that you do deal with it, because you're still here, and haven't given in to it.
I'm just going to quit here, though, because I feel like the more I say, the more of an idiot I appear to be!
****HUGS****
Oh yes. I also miss the friend that you talk to 4 or 5 times a day, who doesn't keep track of how many times they've watched your kids vs. how many times you've watched theirs, who thinks and feels almost the same way you do about everything, and who can have a terrible day but doesn't hold it against you.
My friend, they are few and far between, but when you find one, cherish it!!!
My friend - I am an awful friend because I say, "call anytime" but then I don't call.
You should know that in the last 6 months I have turned into the friend that I NEVER wanted to be - the one that says "call me" but never calls. The one that was buddy-buddy but now has moved away & doesn't email or write. I am working on it.
For me, life has gotten busy & I don't know how. I know it isn't an excuse for some, but for me - that's all I've got. I haven't figured out how to juggle the changes in my life.
Sariqd - even though we've only talked on the phone once, I thoroughly enjoyed talking to you & found "your accent" to not be an issue at all. Seriously, call anytime! Because I want to talk with you but am just too inept at juggling my schedule to pick up the phone myself!
I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I hope that it gets better.
And I don't think you should delete this thread (except for my comment, if you want) because it's how you're feeling today & another day you will write something about a good day.
Hang in there. And maybe (tomorrow, because today is gone) I'll give YOU a call!
I just happened upon your site because you posted it on another site I am part of. I felt like I was reading the story of my life. I am not hearing inpared but for soe reason I have a hard time fitting in and finding those kindred spirits I truely long for. Thank you for your post! It helped me to see their are others out there that long for a good friends just like I do. I truely hope you find that kindred spirit and I hope you are also having a better day. :)
Sara~ I feel exactly where you are coming from.Patience is key. My husband only has 50 percent hearing in one ear but can hear fine out of his other...I myself have dealt with the "I need to be more patient" with my husband, it's not his fault he has me repeat everything 2 or more times...what has made it more difficult lately is he has had a double ear infection and both ears busted and blead and were very painful..but the antibiotics that the doctor gave him for his ear infection have not been working and so were are both worried if he is going to lose his hearing totally in the one ear since he couldn't hear well out of that one anyway. I'm sorry if you were having a bad day when you blogged this post but it was nice to hear that we are all not alone. I deal personally with both things that you talked about which I already told you about my hubby but I am at a loss of a dear close girlfriend to be chummy with and hang out with often. I truly believe that if we as mothers and wives get away once a week or even as little as twice a month for a girls night out it really helps me keep focus and taking better care of the family...I have a sister and my own mother to certainly be chatty with and to listen to me but it is nice to have someone that is not related that goes for the DH as well. Well I care how you feel and even though we may be just "online" friends I am good at scheduled chats if you ever wanted to do that or I could call you..hoping by monday i don't still have a stuffed up nose cause i can't even understand myself with that going on. It is amazing how the computer can make us more socialable when in reality it takes such a long time to get to know people. Anyway off topic but since I know your someone who appreciates Elizabeth Gaskell like I do among other literary geniuses aka Jane Austen I wanted to tell you about the new BBC movie thats come out that they adapted from another one of her novels and I am sure you will love it. Cranford! Now I know you don't have cable but you do have the internet and if you go on youtube and type in cranford the episodes will pop up.Start them in order though so you don't get confused. I thought since you helped me get excited about North and South I would return the favor. I'm actually currently reading Cranford and Ruth both by Elizabeth Gaskell and I love them. Anyway TTFN!
~Sarah
I've wondered for a long time if either
A: Everybody has a best friend and that is why no one is free to be mine
B: I must be past the age of best-friendability
C: Maybe I just expect way too much out of friendship and should just be grateful for what I get
OR
D: I'm missing some secret key to making, keeping, and developing true friendships
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who still wants that best friend, who still misses old friendships, and still hurts from the ones that went wrong.
P.S. I'm hard of hearing too but only to the extent that I say "What?" so many times that I drive myself and others crazy. I often laugh at the wrong time or I nod when I shouldn't because I'm faking my way through a conversation. I think this (and my abnormal inability to remember names that I've heard a million times) helps to prevent me from trying to bond with new people.
Post a Comment